It's almost beyond my ability to understand. Since I arrived here on Star 7, everyone has been giving me these looks that I haven't quite been able to place, but when I met Torin's Uncle Savin today and she explained to him who I was and that I was a 'survivor of the Star 4 catastrophe' he put his hand on my shoulder and told me he was sorry for my loss. The expression was exactly the same, and that's when I realized the people of this broken country have been looking at me with pity. Their leader is dead, they're people are dying, and they don't know how long their food supplies will last, and these people feel bad for me.
I told Torin it made no sense to feel that way. The ones who really needed pity were the citizens of this Star, but she just gave me that sad, cryptic smile of hers that I'm really growing to hate and said, "our home may be ravaged, Shou-lyan, but at least we still have one."
I never thought of it that way. It's true that my homestar was destroyed in the last wars, and I was devastated. I lost my Grandfather, my cousin, my niece, my entire nation in one heavy-handed blow. It's not that I don't still hurt a little when I have time to think about it, but I have my friends and--for all his idiocy--David pulled me through the hard times. My home is in that apartment on Star 12 now. I don't feel particularly estranged anymore.
But these people feel pity for someone like me, who has otherwise lived a pretty easy life, not at all like working in the mines of Pluto until my fingers are so raw they bleed, not at all like suffering through miscarriage after miscarriage in hopes that one will eventually take. I'm not the one who needs pity.
It really threw me, but I think I understand the Tum'Sah a little better now. Family isn't just a tight knit set of people bound by blood for them, it's their nation, their entire country. They're very proud of their heritage and feel they can overcome all odds as long as they stand together. That must be why no one questions Torin's methods at all, even if a lineage-based monarchy system is absolutely arcane. For better or worse, they're in this together. It's such a simple way to think and to live. I think I've come to envy them a little for that simplicity.
~Shou~